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育儿

Co-Parenting and Joint Custody Tips for Divorced Parents

Co-育儿 after a separation or divorce is rarely easy. These shared custody tips can help give your children the 稳定, security, and close relationships with both parents that they need.

戴眼镜的小男孩, looking towards us as his father carries him on a walk in a natural area

什么是共同监护?

Unless your family has faced serious issues such as domestic violence or substance abuse, co-育儿—having both parents play an active role in their children’s daily lives—is the best way to ensure that all your kids’ needs are met and enable them to retain close relationships with both parents. The quality of the relationship between co-parents can also have a strong influence on the mental and emotional well-being of children, and the incidence of anxiety and depression. 当然, 把关系问题放在一边, 尤其是在一场激烈的分手之后, to co-parent agreeably is sometimes easier said than done.

Joint custody arrangements can be exhausting, 让人生气, 充满压力, especially if you have a contentious relationship with your ex-partner. You may feel concerned about your ex’s 育儿 abilities, stressed out about child support or other financial issues, 因冲突而疲惫不堪, or think you’ll never be able to overcome all the 怨恨s in your relationship.

共同决策, 在送孩子的地方互相交流, or just speaking to a person you’d rather forget all about can seem like impossible tasks. 为了你孩子的健康着想, though, it is possible for you to overcome co-育儿 challenges and develop a cordial working relationship with your ex. 用这些技巧, 你可以保持冷静, 保持一致, and resolve conflicts to make joint custody work and enable your kids to thrive.

使共同监护工作

The key to successful co-育儿 is to separate the personal relationship with your ex from the co-育儿 relationship. It may be helpful to start thinking of your relationship with your ex as a completely new one—one that is entirely about the well-being of your children, 而且不是为了你们俩.

[阅读:孩子和离婚]

你的婚姻可能结束了, but your family is not; acting in your kids’ best interest is your most important priority. 这是成熟的第一步, responsible co-parent is to always put your children’s needs ahead of your own.

对孩子的好处

通过你的共同养育伙伴关系, your kids should recognize that they are more important than the conflict that ended your marriage—and understand that your love for them will prevail despite changing circumstances. Kids whose divorced parents have a cooperative relationship:

  • 感到安全. When confident of the love of both parents, kids adjust more quickly and easily to divorce and new living situations, 有更好的自尊.
  • 受益于一致性. 共同养育也有类似的规则, 纪律, 家庭之间的奖励, 这样孩子们就知道会发生什么, 以及人们对他们的期望.
  • 更好地理解解决问题的方法. Children who see their parents continuing to work together are more likely to learn how to effectively and peacefully solve problems themselves.
  • 有一个健康的榜样可以学习吗. 通过与另一位家长合作, you are establishing a life pattern your children can carry into the future to build and maintain stronger relationships.
  • 精神和情感更健康吗. Children exposed to conflict between co-parents are more likely to develop issues such as depression, anxiety, or ADHD.

Co-育儿 tip 1: Set hurt and anger aside

Successful co-育儿 means that your own emotions—any anger, 怨恨, or hurt—must take a back seat to the needs of your children. 不可否认, setting aside such strong feelings may be the hardest part of learning to work cooperatively with your ex, 但它也可能是最重要的.

[Read: 处理分手或离婚]

共同抚养孩子与你的感受无关, 或者你的前任配偶, 而是你孩子的幸福, 稳定, 和未来的幸福.

把感觉和行为分开

It’s okay to be hurt and angry, but your feelings don’t have to dictate your behavior. Instead, let what’s best for your kids—you working cooperatively with the other parent—motivate your actions.

把你的感情发泄到别的地方去. 永远不要向你的孩子发泄. Friends, 治疗师, or even a loving pet can all make good listeners when you need to get negative feelings off your chest. Exercise can also provide a healthy outlet for letting off steam.

在以儿童为中心. 如果你感到愤怒或怨恨, try to remember why you need to act with purpose and grace: your child’s best interests are at stake. If your anger feels overwhelming, looking at a photograph of your child may help you calm down.

不要把你的孩子放在中间

You may never completely lose all of your 怨恨 or bitterness about your break up, but what you can do is compartmentalize those feelings and remind yourself that they are your issues, 不是你的孩子. Resolve to keep your issues with your ex away from your children.

不要让孩子当信使. When you use your children to convey messages to your co-parent, it puts them in the center of your conflict. The goal is to keep your child out of your relationship issues, so call or email your ex directly.

把你的问题留给自己吧. Never say negative things about your ex to your children, or make them feel like they have to choose. Your child has a right to a relationship with their other parent that is free of your influence.

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Tip 2: Improve communication with your co-parent

Peaceful, 一致的, and purposeful communication with your ex is essential to the success of co-育儿—even though it may seem absolutely impossible. 一切都始于你的心态. Think about communication with your ex as having the highest purpose: your child’s well-being. 在和前任联系之前, ask yourself how your actions will affect your child, and resolve to conduct yourself with dignity. Make your child the focal point of every discussion you have with your ex-partner.

Remember that it isn’t always necessary to meet your ex in person—speaking over the phone or exchanging texts or emails is fine for the majority of conversations. The goal is to establish conflict-free communication, so see which type of contact works best for you.

例如通信方法

However you choose to have contact, the following methods can help you initiate and maintain 有效的沟通:

定下公事公办的基调. Approach the relationship with your ex as a business partnership where your “business” is your children’s well-being. Speak or write to your ex as you would a colleague—with cordiality, respect, and neutrality. 放松,慢慢地说.

发出请求. 而不是做陈述, 哪些可能被误解为要求, try framing as much as you can as a request. Requests can begin with, “Would you be willing to…?或者“365真人能试试……”?”

Listen. Communicating with maturity starts with listening. Even if you end up disagreeing with the other parent, you should at least be able to convey to your ex that you’ve understood their point of view. 而倾听并不意味着赞同, so you won’t lose anything by allowing your ex to voice his or her opinions.

克制. Keep in mind that communicating with one another is going to be necessary for the length of your children’s entire childhood—if not longer. You can train yourself to not overreact to your ex, and over time you can become numb to the buttons they try to push.

坚持开会/谈话. Though it may be extremely difficult in the early stages, frequent communication with your ex will convey the message to your children that you and your co-parent are a united front.

保持谈话以儿童为中心. Never let a discussion with your ex-partner digress into a conversation about your needs or their needs; it should always be about your child’s needs only.

快速缓解压力. It may seem impossible to stay calm when dealing with a difficult ex-spouse who’s hurt you in the past or has a real knack for pushing your buttons. 但通过练习 快速缓解压力 techniques, you can learn to stay in control when the pressure builds.

改善与前任的关系

If you’re truly ready to rebuild trust after a break up, be sincere about your efforts. Remember your children’s best interests as you move forward to improve your relationship.

  • 询问前任的意见. This simple technique can jump-start positive communications between you. Take an issue that you don’t feel strongly about, 问问你前任的意见, 表明你重视他们的意见.
  • Apologize. When you’re sorry about something, apologize sincerely—even if the incident happened a long time ago. Apologizing can be a very powerful step in moving your relationship past that of adversaries.
  • 冷静;放松. If a special outing with your ex is going to cut into your time with your child by an hour, 优雅地让它去吧. Remember that it’s all about what is best for your child. Plus, when you show flexibility, your ex is more likely to be flexible with you.

技巧3:作为团队的共同家长

Parenting is full of decisions you’ll have to make with your ex, whether you like each other or not. Cooperating and communicating without blow-ups or bickering makes decision-making far easier on everybody. 如果你追求一致性, 温和, 和你的父母合作, the details of child-rearing decisions tend to fall into place.

以共同抚养孩子为目标

It’s healthy for children to be exposed to different perspectives and learn to be flexible, but they also need to know they’re living under the same basic set of expectations at each home. Aiming for consistency between your home and your ex’s avoids confusion for your children.

Rules. Rules don’t have to be exactly the same between two households, but if you and your ex-spouse establish generally 一致的 guidelines, your kids won’t have to bounce back and forth between two radically different disciplinary environments. Important lifestyle rules like homework issues, curfews, and off-limit activities should be followed in both households.

纪律. Try to follow similar systems of consequences for broken rules, even if the infraction didn’t happen under your roof. So, if your kids have lost TV privileges while at your ex’s house, 遵守限制. The same can be done for rewarding good behavior.

Schedule. Where you can, aim for some consistency in your children’s schedules. 饭做, homework, and bedtimes similar can go a long way toward your child’s adjustment to having two homes.

作为共同父母做出重要决定

Major decisions need to be made by both you and your ex. 开放, honest, and straightforward about important issues is crucial to both your relationship with your ex and your children’s well-being.

医疗需求. Whether you decide to designate one parent to communicate primarily with health care professionals or attend medical appointments together, 让彼此了解情况.

教育. Be sure to let the school know about changes in your child’s living situation. Speak with your ex ahead of time about class schedules, 课外活动, 和家长会, and be polite to each other at school or sports events.

财务问题. The cost of maintaining two separate households can strain your attempts to be effective co-parents. 制定一个现实的预算 and keep accurate records for shared expenses. Be gracious if your ex provides opportunities for your children that you cannot provide.

例如解决分歧

As you co-parent, you and your ex are bound to disagree over certain issues. Keep the following in mind as you try to reach a consensus.

尊重可以大有帮助. Simple manners should be the foundation for co-育儿. Being considerate and respectful includes letting your ex know about school events, being flexible about your schedule when possible, 认真对待他们的意见.

保持对话. If you disagree about something important, you will need to continue communicating. Never discuss your differences of opinions with or in front of your child. If you still can’t agree, you may need to talk to a third party, like a therapist or mediator.

[阅读:冲突解决技巧]

不要为小事烦恼. If you disagree about important issues like a medical surgery or choice of school for your child, 通过各种方法, 继续讨论. But if you want your child in bed by 7:30 and your ex says 8:00, let it go and save your energy for the bigger issues.

妥协. Yes, you will need to come around to your ex-spouse’s point of view as often as they come around to yours. 它可能并不总是你的第一选择, but compromise allows you both to “win” and makes both of you more likely to be flexible in the future.

Tip 4: Make transitions and visitation easier

The actual move from one household to another, whether it happens every few days or just certain weekends, 孩子们会很难过吗. Every reunion with one parent is also a separation with the other, each “hello” also a “goodbye.“虽然转型是不可避免的, there are many things you can do to help make them easier on your children.

当你的孩子离开

As kids prepare to leave your house for your ex’s, try to stay positive and deliver them on time.

帮助孩子预测变化. Remind kids they’ll be leaving for the other parent’s house a day or two before the visit.

提前包. 取决于他们的年龄, help children pack their bags well before they leave so that they don’t forget anything they’ll miss. Encourage packing familiar reminders like a special stuffed toy or photograph.

总是送孩子,而不是接孩子. It’s a good idea to avoid “taking” your child from the other parent so that you don’t risk interrupting or curtailing a special moment. Drop off your child at the other parent’s house instead.

当你的孩子回来

The beginning of your child’s return to your home can be awkward or even rocky. 帮助你的孩子适应:

保持低调. 当孩子第一次进入你家, try to have some down time together—read a book or do some other quiet activity.

翻倍. To make packing simpler and make kids feel more comfortable when they are at the other parent’s house, 让孩子们保留一些基本的东西——牙刷, 毛刷, pajamas-at两院.

给孩子留出空间. Children often need a little time to adjust to the transition. If they seem to need some space, do something else nearby. 假以时日,一切都会恢复正常.

建立一个特殊的程序. Play a game or serve the same special meal each time your child returns. Kids thrive on routine—if they know exactly what to expect when they return to you it can help the transition.

拒绝探视的处理

It’s common that kids in joint custody sometimes refuse to leave one parent to stay with the other.

  • 找到原因. 这个问题可能很容易解决, 比如多关心你的孩子, 改变纪律作风, or having more toys or other entertainment. Or it may be that an emotional reason is at hand, such as conflict or misunderstanding. 告诉孩子他们的拒绝.
  • 随大流. Whether you have detected the reason for the refusal or not, try to give your child the space and time that they obviously need. It may have nothing to do with you at all. And take heart: most cases of visitation refusal are temporary.
  • 和你的前任谈谈. A heart-to-heart with your ex about the refusal may be challenging and emotional, but can help you figure out what the problem is. Try to remain sensitive and understanding to your ex as you discuss this touchy subject.

最近更新:2020年11月

得到更多的帮助

共同监护离婚后 – Includes a checklist of what to include in a co-育儿 plan. (蒙大拿州立大学).

离婚后的非居住养育 (PDF) – Tips for the parent who does not have custody. (蒙大拿州立大学)

亲子沟通指引(PDF) – Tips on communicating with your ex for the benefit of your children (Association of Family and Conciliation Courts)